I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now

Earlier in the week, I had a bit of inexpiable panic when I realized it has been (almost) 20 years since I graduated college.  Two decades ago right now, I was furiously sending out resumes and cover letters.  I was accepting "Screw You - Don't Call Us - We'll Call You" letters.  And, I was starting to interview for jobs.  I'm not sure what the reasons were for the panic in this thought; the math is easy and I knew my 20-year anniversary with the company I work for is coming up later this year.  Maybe it was another, "Oh Shit, I'm old" moment.  Or maybe it is the continuing realization that my life really is optimistically half over.
College was a pretty big milestone, even if I didn't walk in the graduation ceremony (it costs HOW MUCH?).  I think by now I was supposed to be a combination of Tom Selleck, Eric Clapton and Clive Cussler.  Instead, I'm just ... me.

I guess I learned a lot in college, although only some of that was in classes.  I wonder what it would be like to go back to that 20-something person and reveal ten things that are impossible to know then?  I'm not sure 20-something would not have understood, or listened.
Some of these are learned earlier than others, and some are probably more important than others.  The order sort of reflects this.

1. Everyone is faking it.  It was too easy to look around at other people that have the appearance of having it all together.  The mid-90's were pretty chaotic, and it looked like many people a few years into "real life" had figured most of it out.  I've seen life crumble around too many people and seen it come close in many other situations to know that nobody has it figured out and has it all together.  Those that maintain that facade are just better at hiding it, better at temporary repairs to cracks in life's walls.  There is a lot of messy plaster there.
2. Temporary things might not be.  Whether it is the winter coat bought just because something is needed quickly, the job that wasn't supposed to be permanent, or anything else tangible or intangible, I had no idea some of the things that still exist in life now would be here.  I've seen friendships that I thought would be permanent disappear, and others that I thought would vaporize remain to this day.  I still have the cheap, crappy coffee maker I bought in the early 1990's when I moved into my first apartment.  The corollary to this is that permanent things might not be either - see #1.
3. The lack of new "firsts" becomes painful.  Early school, high school, college, post-college ... there is something new around every corner - it is mandatory without even trying.  Even if those things are unpleasant, at least they are new.  Something eventually happens though - new things become more and more rare.  And when they do come, it is almost painful to realize that I'll never be able to do xx or go to yy for the first time again.  Experiencing "firsts" only come with conscious effort; they have to be created in order to be experienced.
4. Worry about money a little bit, but not too much.  Yeah, put money away for retirement and don't spend more than you make, but aside form those two guiding principles, money is pretty boring stuff.  With more stress and time in a job, more money will come.  Study after study has shown that once the basic needs are met, more money doesn't really make individuals more happy (or at least the relationship is very non-linear).  happiness (small h intended) is fleeting, Happiness (big H, aka contentment) doesn't really take a lot of money.  See #5.
5. Time is the most precious commodity.  Ever!  I'm not sure how long I'll live, but it is finite and fixed.  This one is impossible to learn at 20-something.  I'm not even sure I've really learned this yet.  This is why vacation becomes so important.  Time spent at work is pretty meaningless, and I feel sorry for people who's lives are their work.  Those few weeks a year that are completely mine are unbelievably valuable.  No, my work computer will not be going home with me on vacation.
6. There are smart people who make me feel dumb.  So it goes (thanks, Kurt Vonnegut).  This is fine.  Learn what you can from smart people.  If they look down on others from their temporary position of superiority, remember #1.  Keep those generous really smart people in life - they are probably really interesting too.
7. There are dumb people - some of whom are (or appear to be) successful.  Things usually have a way of catching up with people who lack common sense, who are mean, or don't know what they don't know.  Get rid of these people.  Life is quirky and some idiots will be successful; life is unfair that way.  Don't dwell on it.
8. Repetition will happen.  Repetition will happen.  I think part of the reason that I had that moment of terror at realizing 20 years had gone past since college, was the drive in to work felt exactly the same as countless other drives into work.  Some days and weeks go by with unbelievable monotony.  I guess if this didn't happen, I'd be in the rubber room by now.
9. Be content.  Excitement, elation, dizzying highs, crushing lows, the creamy middles - these things all risk coming with mandatory volatility.  Contentment is a gift.  Being satiated with the good is worth a lot.  Too often I feel the urge to sell everything of value, burn everything else and start over.  Media loves to celebrate the 2% of people who have discarded the mundane of daily life and traded it in to travel the world, finding wealth hidden in plain sight.  Media isn't quite as quick to be as honest with the 98% of people who try this and end up destitute, regretting the decision to follow a crazy dream only to have the world come crashing down on the inevitable results.
10. This list will change.  If I had written this ten years ago, 10-years after college, it would have some of the same things, but it would have been vastly different.  Thank goodness for that; if I still thought the same things now that I did a decade ago, it would demonstrate an absolute lack of growth.  This list of ten things are strongly interrelated and is seen through the lens of 20-years working with one company after college.  No doubt if a butterfly had flapped its wings in Sumatra and the resulting hurricane would have made things different, the view itself would be very different.

This entire exercise is actually quite dangerous.  I can't go back and talk to that 20-something and really wouldn't want to (maybe I'd mention a few things).  Perhaps that is where the uneasiness of the last 20 years is coming from - I have no idea where the next week, let alone the next 20 years is really headed.