I Wish That I Knew What I Know Now

Earlier in the week, I had a bit of inexpiable panic when I realized it has been (almost) 20 years since I graduated college.  Two decades ago right now, I was furiously sending out resumes and cover letters.  I was accepting "Screw You - Don't Call Us - We'll Call You" letters.  And, I was starting to interview for jobs.  I'm not sure what the reasons were for the panic in this thought; the math is easy and I knew my 20-year anniversary with the company I work for is coming up later this year.  Maybe it was another, "Oh Shit, I'm old" moment.  Or maybe it is the continuing realization that my life really is optimistically half over.
College was a pretty big milestone, even if I didn't walk in the graduation ceremony (it costs HOW MUCH?).  I think by now I was supposed to be a combination of Tom Selleck, Eric Clapton and Clive Cussler.  Instead, I'm just ... me.

I guess I learned a lot in college, although only some of that was in classes.  I wonder what it would be like to go back to that 20-something person and reveal ten things that are impossible to know then?  I'm not sure 20-something would not have understood, or listened.
Some of these are learned earlier than others, and some are probably more important than others.  The order sort of reflects this.

1. Everyone is faking it.  It was too easy to look around at other people that have the appearance of having it all together.  The mid-90's were pretty chaotic, and it looked like many people a few years into "real life" had figured most of it out.  I've seen life crumble around too many people and seen it come close in many other situations to know that nobody has it figured out and has it all together.  Those that maintain that facade are just better at hiding it, better at temporary repairs to cracks in life's walls.  There is a lot of messy plaster there.
2. Temporary things might not be.  Whether it is the winter coat bought just because something is needed quickly, the job that wasn't supposed to be permanent, or anything else tangible or intangible, I had no idea some of the things that still exist in life now would be here.  I've seen friendships that I thought would be permanent disappear, and others that I thought would vaporize remain to this day.  I still have the cheap, crappy coffee maker I bought in the early 1990's when I moved into my first apartment.  The corollary to this is that permanent things might not be either - see #1.
3. The lack of new "firsts" becomes painful.  Early school, high school, college, post-college ... there is something new around every corner - it is mandatory without even trying.  Even if those things are unpleasant, at least they are new.  Something eventually happens though - new things become more and more rare.  And when they do come, it is almost painful to realize that I'll never be able to do xx or go to yy for the first time again.  Experiencing "firsts" only come with conscious effort; they have to be created in order to be experienced.
4. Worry about money a little bit, but not too much.  Yeah, put money away for retirement and don't spend more than you make, but aside form those two guiding principles, money is pretty boring stuff.  With more stress and time in a job, more money will come.  Study after study has shown that once the basic needs are met, more money doesn't really make individuals more happy (or at least the relationship is very non-linear).  happiness (small h intended) is fleeting, Happiness (big H, aka contentment) doesn't really take a lot of money.  See #5.
5. Time is the most precious commodity.  Ever!  I'm not sure how long I'll live, but it is finite and fixed.  This one is impossible to learn at 20-something.  I'm not even sure I've really learned this yet.  This is why vacation becomes so important.  Time spent at work is pretty meaningless, and I feel sorry for people who's lives are their work.  Those few weeks a year that are completely mine are unbelievably valuable.  No, my work computer will not be going home with me on vacation.
6. There are smart people who make me feel dumb.  So it goes (thanks, Kurt Vonnegut).  This is fine.  Learn what you can from smart people.  If they look down on others from their temporary position of superiority, remember #1.  Keep those generous really smart people in life - they are probably really interesting too.
7. There are dumb people - some of whom are (or appear to be) successful.  Things usually have a way of catching up with people who lack common sense, who are mean, or don't know what they don't know.  Get rid of these people.  Life is quirky and some idiots will be successful; life is unfair that way.  Don't dwell on it.
8. Repetition will happen.  Repetition will happen.  I think part of the reason that I had that moment of terror at realizing 20 years had gone past since college, was the drive in to work felt exactly the same as countless other drives into work.  Some days and weeks go by with unbelievable monotony.  I guess if this didn't happen, I'd be in the rubber room by now.
9. Be content.  Excitement, elation, dizzying highs, crushing lows, the creamy middles - these things all risk coming with mandatory volatility.  Contentment is a gift.  Being satiated with the good is worth a lot.  Too often I feel the urge to sell everything of value, burn everything else and start over.  Media loves to celebrate the 2% of people who have discarded the mundane of daily life and traded it in to travel the world, finding wealth hidden in plain sight.  Media isn't quite as quick to be as honest with the 98% of people who try this and end up destitute, regretting the decision to follow a crazy dream only to have the world come crashing down on the inevitable results.
10. This list will change.  If I had written this ten years ago, 10-years after college, it would have some of the same things, but it would have been vastly different.  Thank goodness for that; if I still thought the same things now that I did a decade ago, it would demonstrate an absolute lack of growth.  This list of ten things are strongly interrelated and is seen through the lens of 20-years working with one company after college.  No doubt if a butterfly had flapped its wings in Sumatra and the resulting hurricane would have made things different, the view itself would be very different.

This entire exercise is actually quite dangerous.  I can't go back and talk to that 20-something and really wouldn't want to (maybe I'd mention a few things).  Perhaps that is where the uneasiness of the last 20 years is coming from - I have no idea where the next week, let alone the next 20 years is really headed.

I published a book. No one is going to buy it, but I don't care.

One of the things on my ever-growing, ever-changing bucket list was to write a book.
Check!
Before you laugh, please read on.

First, a bit of background.  I really wanted to go through the process of writing, self-editing, receiving copy and structural edits, and maybe publishing.  But, I'm not a writer and don't pretend to be.
Then, a few years ago, my young nephew took one of his school assignments, expanded it and published as a book.  It was simplistic, there were lots of errors, and the formatting was terrible.  But, I was reasonably impressed that self-publishing coupled with print on demand seemed like a viable alternative to not doing it, especially since the cost was almost trivial.  I'll never finish my bucket list, so this wouldn't have been terribly troubling.
After a few false starts on book ideas over the years, I had an idea around this time last year that came together in a much more real way.  Thinking about this allowed me to mentally write large sections of the book, before actually starting on it.
Finally, I decided I would try to write one or two of the chapters that were best formed in my head and see if this gelled.  This would be decided be rereading the chapters weeks later, after a vacation.  Success would be determined on if I thought they were tolerable - a low standard to be sure.  The idea of publishing was just that, an idea at that point; success was not going to be dependent on a book in actual physical form.  On completion of the first two chapters, I continued writing - and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I chose to write it in Google Docs since this allowed me to write wherever I had a computer.  Additionally, as long as I had my phone with me, I could check, reread, and/or edit sections no matter where I was (read:  boring meetings at work where I really didn't need to be mentally present).

Near the end of 2014, I had finished most of the book and passed it on to my SO to read.  She gave some corrections and I implemented them, before being willing to park the project in Google Docs in perpetuity.  At this point, I had really decided against publishing, writing it was success enough.
Through some other twists of life events, I ended up passing the document on to a family member who happens to work in publishing as an editor.  His field is not even close to the subject matter of my book, and he can't publish anything for family members without jumping through hoops, but his copy editing and feedback as well as the feedback of his wife made the book significantly better.
I decided to walk tentatively further down the path toward self publishing.

I chose to work with CreateSpace.  This is a subsidiary of Amazon which I have some trust in (I buy a lot from them) and I'd seen enough final products from CreateSpace to suggest that their work looks quite good.  Lulu also looked like a good choice, but CreateSpace seemed easier, would probably be cheaper; if I had my mind set on a hard cover, Lulu would have been the only choice; I actually prefer soft covers.
The previous editing of the book had brought it from Google Docs to Microsoft Word, and using the templates provided by CreateSpace made getting the book in the right format very easy.
CreateSpace has good documentation and easy to follow instructions to get things formatted correctly.  Where I did have questions, a quick Google search that included the term "CreateSpace" made finding answers utterly trivial - usually the answers came from CreateSpace's online forum.
The change in formatting of the book, plus my first read through of a printed version (done on a normal printer using scrap paper) changed my perspective.  The read through of a hard copy made the book feel more real, less like a homework assignment on a computer screen.  The formatting in the CreateSpace format made it look like an actual book (if only on a screen at this point) and this bumped up the excitement factor.

I struggled with the cover quite a bit.  I read much about the theory of book covers and looked through good examples and bad examples.  I'll be honest that my first attempts would have recreated many of the things NOT to do.  In the end, I created a simple cover that demonstrated the ethos of the book, without being overly busy or loud.
Around this time I also started to read quite a bit about the self-publishing industry and craze.  The traditional publishers and their support look down on this phenomenon with disdain.  I'm convinced they will be proven wrong.  They are dinosaurs using typewriters with the first PCs and Macs already in use.  Some authors already proven successful by the "big 6" traditional publishers also look down on the likes of self-publishers.  I'm fine with that as I won't pretend to compete in the major leagues.
There are a lot of crap self-published books.  This can't be ignored.  There are also a lot of good ones.  This has to be recognized.
A lot of the online help, blogs and articles have to do with writing as a way to get rich, or at least get a lot of money.  I found this a little depressing.  Is money really the only reason to do something ... anything?
My reason to go down this road is different.  I did this for my own self.  I'm quite aware my book, like most self-published books, won't sell.  If I ever get a first payment from CreateSpace, I'll be surprised.  I don't care if I sell a few copies to 1- and 2-star reviews.  The point is, I did this.  I'm happy with it.  My life is more interesting having completed it.

If someone is tempted, as I was, to self-publish, I have three pieces of advice:

1. Have the work copy-edited by someone who really knows what they are doing, even if it isn't free.  This can't be done by one's self and it can't be done by just anyone.  The human brain is amazing in its ability to take a slightly scrambled sentence and reorganize it into a correct thought.  Copy editing is a skill, in my case it was invaluable.  Removing as many of those minor errors as possible makes a big difference in how a final document is received (but yes, Big-6 published books have errors as well).
2. Read all the online chatter about how terrible the self-publishing industry is.  Read how it devalues literature.  Read how embarrassing it is.  Read how people who self-publish shouldn't be called authors.  The experts are always right.  That is probably just what the few literate monks said when Gutenburg first used his printing press.
3. Do it!  Don't do it to get rich because you won't.  Don't do it to get famous because you won't.  But do it anyways.  Do it because writing is immortal; writing and rewriting allows the self to think about things from a different perspective.  Do it so you can reread it 10 years later and maybe even be a bit embarrassed - this only demonstrates growth.  Do it to know that you have completed something, even if no one knows or cares, because the things that make life interesting are almost always the unknown.

When I held the first physical proof copy, I felt like I was holding a child; I was almost afraid to read it and risk creasing the cover.  After (quickly) getting over that, I read it and had only minor edits before moving on with some trepidation.  Still, the thing that scared me the most was that someone, someday might actually read this...
A few subsequent rounds of minuscule edits were needed which was both maddening and exhilarating.  Maddening, since each edit, no matter how minor, needed a review by CreateSpace which can take up to 24 hours.  Exhilarating since I knew that each correction was making the final product better.
In final form, there are still a few formatting things I wish I would have done differently, but I think that would be the case no matter how many times I edited and resubmitted; that is as much a personality flaw as anything else.

As I look back on the last year, where the ab initio for this started, I realize that despite big "accomplishments" at work and elsewhere, my simpleton self-published book is one of the things that brought me the most personal fulfillment.  The money I earn in a few hours at work will dwarf what I will ever make from the book, despite spending untold, countless hours in it.  But that is not the point and it never was.  Does this mean I've missed my calling?  Likely not.  But I have no idea what my life's calling really was ... or is.

So go ahead and read my book or not.  Give me a 1-Star review and flame the author for a linear narrative, simple writing and leaving some strings loose at the end of the book (this was done on purpose).  I've learned more about myself through this excursion than I could have possibly imagined.  That is the best kind of success that even a successfully rich author might hope for.