The Big Little Nightmare

I recently stopped by the area where I lived until the age of about 12 after not having been there in over 20 years.  Predictably, some things had changed.  One of the bigger changes in the neighborhood was to a large field between the church and the Catholic high school.  The field was like a giant playground for a lot of kids.  It is now less accessible and has been "improved" to be athletic fields for the school.

Many of my childhood memories have faded into the ether, but I still remember vividly some things that happened while playing in that large field.  We built "forts" in that field one summer.  The forts where really just large and deep holes in the ground.  In retrospect, this was probably quite dangerous as some of the holes were deeper than we were tall, and there was at least one tunnel we would go through head first.  At the time, there was no fear in this at all, it was just fun.  Fun, until the holes were destroyed by bigger kids in the neighborhood.

In one hot summer memory, my older brother (and friends) created two enormous footprints in the sand in a remote area of the field.  He then proceeded to bring me to the area and show me the footprints of some giant monster.  It terrified me; I was afraid of that part of the field and afraid to sleep.  A few days later, an older neighborhood kid Jerry told me they were made by my brother.  With adult sensibility, I'm not sure how two footprints with no evidence of anything walking, just two foot prints, could be scary and anything but brother-made.  I was terrified.

Fear is a gift of childhood.  Fear is primal and there is a catharsis in it.  Fear is likely one of only a few emotions we share with our distant animal relatives.  Fear diminishes as we get older and it is replaced by stress.  Stress has virtually no redeeming qualities.

I rarely have nightmares.  I think this is true of most adults who lead typical boring lives.  Nightmares where a relatively frequent occurrence as a child though.  In a lot of ways I miss them.  There is still the occasional vivid or lucid dream where I may wake up in wish for the alternate reality, but nightmares almost never happen.

There is one nightmare I had recurrently while growing up.  I don't know why it was terrifying, but it was.  I've called this the "Big Little Dream" and I've known several people who after hearing about it remember (presumably) something nearly the same and always as frightening.  In this dream, everything is both very large and very small at the same time.  There is an overwhelming sense of texture.  Absolute terror that must be rooted in something deep in human history.  A tactile sense of loss.

I should probably consider the lack of fear as a blessing.  I imagine frequent nightmares as an adult is probably quite debilitating.  There are a lot of times when I'd be willing to trade some stress for some vivid fear though...